SAHM, SAHM Blue...

Today was the first day of school for Little Tiger and The Milk Belly Princess, kindergarten and first year pre-primary.  
They loved it and can't wait to go back tomorrow.  In fact, I even had Little Tiger convinced of the importance of an early bedtime.  She was all snuggled in and everything.  Then The Mister (aka Good Time Charlie) and the Milk Belly Princess arrived home from their bike ride and it's all tv and sippy cups and running around upstairs.  Oh, well, they can have it...all three of them.  I've got a post to write.

This time of year is tough for me.  I LOVE summer time with my girls.  I love staying home with them and all of the adventures and projects we get to do when I'm unhampered by grading, deadlines and all of what comes with teaching high school English.  I'm excited for my girls to go to school, but not always thrilled about going there myself.  

 Just so we're clear, this is not about disliking my job.  I like my job.  This is about loving my children.  Work makes me a worse parent.  For me, September through May is a delicate balancing act that I'm not very good at.  I feel like whenever my kids are happy and the house is clean, I have mountains of ungraded papers on my desk at work.  when I've tamed the paper tiger at work, I'm ill from staying awake too late for too many nights in a row and no one understands why all I want to do is sleep.  That and the house looks like something out of "Hoarders."  

This year is the first year that Little Tiger will be in school almost as long as I am.  The Milk Belly Princess still goes for half a day and  the other half of the day will be spent with her grandparents who love her.  

The truth is, although THEY DO love her tremendously, The Milk Belly Princess can be quite a handful.  She's much more emotionally demonstrative than her sister which can be both good and awful .  When I'm away from her I wonder what she's thinking and doing and how it would be different if I stayed home with her.   I want to help her be the best kid she can be.  I also want to protect her from herself.  If she tells me that she hates me in a flash of toddler anger, that's one thing.  If she says it to Grammy, well... 

At times like these, I like to think back to some words of wisdom from my brilliant OB/GYN Dr. Drazdik.  When I was pregnant with Little Tiger, I wrote up long lists of questions before each appointment and began each visit by asking all of them.  In retrospect, most of the questions WERE pretty silly.  Dr. Drazdik never made me feel that way, but she did say something one day that put things in perspective:  

"Audra, you do know that there are mothers out there who smoke crack, right?"

And I got it.  While it's good to question whether or not I'm doing the right thing, on my worst day I'm better at this than some.  While good intentions may not take me all the way to where I want us to be, they count for something, right?

Comments

[Haley]

I know this is a struggle for so many moms. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to leave your sweet girls and head back to work. Just know that no mom is perfect, that we just have to balance the demands as best as we can. And remember that you do more wonderful things with your girls each summer than most of us fit in during the whole year. Your girls are SO blessed to have you as a mom--working or not.

[Erika Rak]

Someone once told me that it's important for our children to see that we are not perfect. It takes a great deal of stress off them when they are not having a good day, and teaches them how to deal with bumps in the road. Audra, from what I know, you are an excellent mom. One to be looked up to. I have a very "Emotionally demonstrative" child also (My Miss M). My husband and I wondered if it would have been better for her, if I worked part-time and she was exposed to different people more often. She seems to behave completely different for other people (She acts like a little angel). I'm at home with the kids, and my house a lot of times, seems like a tornado hit. I have to admit that I don't do nearly as many activities with my children as you do, but you always inspire me with your great wealth of ideas and activities. So thank you, and keep up the fantastic work you do as a mother and a teacher! The world is lucky to have you :)

[Penbleth]

Don't knock yourself about working, it isn't a crime. Your girls are cared for and it is good for them to know that they have a network of people who love them and also good for them to know that people have to work for a living. As they get older this will be an important example to them that they don't have things given to them but have to earn them. They won't think you are abandoning them unless you somehow feed them that idea. You're a good, loving Mum and they will know that.